Alright, out of complete boredom and enjoyment of looking back on personal agony/writing I am going to compile a story of someone’s life that somewhat resembles my own. I will refer this individual as “me” or “my” or possibly even “I” depending on context. I will then expose the last few months highlighting the things that most assholes including myself would be almost obligated to laugh at but at the same time wondering if god is pissed at “me”.

We'll start looking back at “My” life right around the end of Christmas break. Things were going quite wonderfully and “I” had absolutely no complaints. “I” had transferred to the University of Montana in order to be closer to an individual that was very dear to “me”. (I am also going to quit using “” around me, my, I from here on out, you get the picture.) She was also very good friends with another man by the name of “Peehead” as we will refer to him. Peehead, I felt, was in love with “Sweet Child of Mine” who I was dating at the time. I, being a passive and not a jealous person decided that “Guns and Roses” could be friends with who ever she wanted. This really came back at bit me in the ass. It had come to pass that “Guns” and Peehead became more than just friends in my absence and much like a man forced into early retirement I had no choice but to dump her. Me, being apparently very naive determined that Guns would realize how kind and terrific I had been to her and eventually come back. This, I guess, never officially came to pass.

The next few weeks I tried to remain in close contact with Guns, but Guns just wasn’t having it. (I’ll tell you right now, love is a mother fucker.) Avoiding my every attempt to fortify our bond, she merrily decided to curtail our relationship and strengthen the ties between her and Peehead. Did I happen to mention that Peehead was my neighbor? Anyways, this is when I decided to cut Guns out of my life entirely. The first hour was a success. I was drunk at the apartment tavern “Ben’s Place” up my street with a bunch of friends. As more time transpired, despite being surrounded by friends the more she consumed my every thought. Sobriety at this point, and in the upcoming weeks failed to be an option for me. If I was to face this problem straight on, I would need another depressant (sweet sweet alcohol) contributing to my already gloomy demeanor.

The best part about being someone’s neighbor is that you are capable of seeing them at all times. This was particularly spectacular because I was able to see Gun’s car parked at Peeheads house on a daily basis. A day soon after “the cut” and a rarity not seeing her car at his house I was especially chirpy. Late at night another friend we will call “Kelly Mitcham” decided to stupor up the street to “Ben’s Place” with me. We talked to another acquaintance at Ben’s who had just been to Gun’s house. Guns and Peehead were having a drunken slumber party in her bed which really doesn’t sit well with an intoxicated ex-boyfriend of a week. I then made the mistake of calling Guns irrational and intoxicated ass. Screaming and yelling I went into a rage not seen in me often. I remember saying “you fucked me”. Guns responded “Ya I did, hahaha” thinking that this was some funny little game of sex jokes. Call lost. Needless to say I was entirely tattered and couldn’t decide if I should give up on life or go beat Peeheads ass. I attempted the latter of the two but the acquaintance “Ozzy” refused to let me go. So I gave up. I received an alarming phone call from “PAAAPE” and with an enormous amount of cognitive capacity he somehow pulled me back to level-headedness by five AM. Amazing guy, amazing guy. Thank ya PAAAPE.

Weeks went by and life moved on. I was troubled by Guns and Peehead but maintained a normal and now soberly functional life. I had kept receiving crying calls from Guns and for some reason I actually felt bad by not picking up my phone. After a week of these sad messages I opened my cell up and talked with her. This was too soothing and I was on my way back to square one. She complained of Peeheads irrationality and stupidity, telling me that after a week of “officially” being with him that he went so far as to pop a considerably large question. The next day she called again and I once again took it. Apparently they had broken up. Alas, I was back in.

Being an idiot and needing to make a trip home I decided to make a detour at Gun’s house. This was great feeling, especially the cuddling and making out. I was head over heals again. I left and went back to the dorms on top of the world. The next night was their winter formal and even though Guns and Peehead were no longer a pair they had previous arrangements and went together. I called around midnight the night of the dance to ask how her how it went. She was once again intoxicated and having another slumber party with Peehead McShitass. At that point I didn’t know wether to just break out laughing because it was so fucking retarded or to scream. I once again went with the latter of the two. Re-cutting her off saying I abhorred her and never wanted to speak with her again.

However, People are not always so lucky. The next day I had a fashion show at the mall. About a half an hour before I went on stage misfortune struck me in the form of explosive diarrhea. Quickly I rushed to the nearest Shopko to buy some Pepto-Bismol. Running in the doors head down I run directly into both of them. The best part about this was probably Peeheads shit eating grin still wearing his suit from the night before. I just kept running, now on top of having to shit my pants I also had to puke (this coming mearly from seeing them together). I don’t recommend this combo but for those who seek it try taking ex-lax and ipecac together. That’s where I hoped it all ended for good and basically did for the day. Later in the week, however, my dad called me and told me Peehead got kicked out of his house. Better than that he was moving in with Guns. I was ecstatic to here this from my father, you know all those personal intimate details that you just desperately want your
parents to know. To top it off Nate my dad as I call him is a teacher who has both of them in class. Plus I know half the teacher staff so I get informed of great things like PDA’s. I gave up giving a shit though.

Lastly I ran into both of them in the mall this weekend, around another corner, and got the pleasure of indulging in a twenty minute conversation with them. Deep down stemming from where I believe my large intestine to be I wanted to hit Peehead directly inbetween the eyes. I wanted to ask him what the fuck he thought he was doing and continue to hit him until i could no longer lift my arms (I still have possessive feelings I guess). But I just kept a big smile on my face and even asked him how his weekend was, which from an uninformed audience appeared to be whole-heartedly sincere. They held hands like a happy couple the whole time. I really enjoy this aspect of my life.

People ask me if I’m happy that things turned out they way they did. I tell them “ya, it was a great learning experience.” Haha Gotcha, it just completely fucked up my entire faith in humans capacity for love and is going to keep me from trusting women for a long time to come. Hopefully everything happens for a reason, ’cause if I still feel unfullfilled in ten years I might jump off a large building. Just kidding but seriously I might. Thanks for reading, have a good one.

Steve Operton, 19, United States

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