50 (alternative) ways to leave your lover
Well, 45 actually...
Stomp on her feet, Pete
Call her a madam, Adam
Keep it secret that you’ve gone, John
Become a priest or a rev, Kev
Get off with her pal, Mal
Find yourself another man, Ann
Feed her arsenic-laced candy. Andy
Fire him out of a cannon, Shannon
Leave him tied up in the cellar, Bella
Tell her she makes you want to puke Luke
Do something rashly, Ashley
Find a place to get lost in, Austin
Where he can’t look for ya, Victoria
Leave his face with egg on, Meghan
Go in for the kill, Will
Do something to rile her, Tyler
Select a blunt cosh, Josh
Tell him to go to hell, Isabel
Loosen his nuts with a spanner, Hannah
Give him a deadly disease, Louise
Move to the spare bed, Ned
Criticise what she’s wearin’, Aaron
Start to flirt with her dad, Brad
Don’t tell her where you’re going, Owen
Take his car and drive it away, Faye
Compose a ‘Dear John’ letter, Greta
Have divorce papers to serve, Merv
Say “it’s not you, it’s me”, Anthony
Refuse to pay his bail, Gail
Call the police, Clarice
Start greeting neighbours in the nude, Jude
Commit bigamy fraud, Claude
Announce you want to change sex, Lex
Join a swinger’s party, Artie
Let him down real cruelly, Julie
Come clean about that affair, Claire
Push her out of a plane, Wayne
Try casting a spell, Mel
Ask for more housekeeping money, Honey
Start being mean, Dean
Seek out a hotshot lawyer, Sawyer
Have him by the short and curly, Shirley
Hire a professional killer, Cilla
Give him just enough rope, Hope
Go live up in a tree, Marie… and set yourself free!
