The lexicon of leaving: Blame
The real definition and meanings of phrases and words as used by men and women extricating themselves from relationships.
The word ‘Blame’ will be used in a meeting set on neutral ground such as a bar, restaurant or coffee shop where there are guaranteed to be other people around who will hear raised voices. It is used in a pacifying manner and hides a wealth of other meaning.
He says, “No-one is to blame.”
He means, “There’s another woman.”
Why? Because he will never think that he is to blame, because the temptation that another woman put in his way was too great to resist. And there is always another woman. Saying that no-one’s to blame is his way of being nice about it, he doesn’t want to fl aunt his affair in your face (yet). Plus of course, if he did tell the truth then you might get mad and even cause a scene. There could even be a part of him that thinks the existence of another woman is too predictable and shoddy, that it won’t refl ect well on him, so he may deny her existence until a good few weeks after you’ve split up. And then he’ll tell you after you’ve just had a farewell fling (see Lexicon of Leaving letter F).
She says, “No-one’s to blame.”
She means, “I’m to blame. I always am.”
Why? Because women always blame themselves, even if they’re determined not to and have a list of grievances as long as their arm about him to support their decision to leave. If she did say that she was to blame he would either too readily agree and feel relieved about the split—which she’d never want—or accuse her of being a bloody martyr. Which of course she is but would never want him to be ‘right’ about when assessing her.
He says, “I’m to blame.”
He means, “Maybe if I take the blame she’ll have me back.”
Why? Because there is no other woman and no man likes to be without a regular supply of sex. And sex after a break-up is always hot.
She says, “I’m to blame.”
She means, “There’s someone else.”
Why? Because his next question will be, “Why are you to blame?” and she can tell him that there’s someone else. She can then watch as her now defi nitely ex-lover runs through the gamut of male emotion from furious hurt and betrayal to pathetic pleading to take him back – knowing that if she does he’ll cheat on her and so end it on his terms a few weeks later.
